If your house burns down and you get upset, does it bring your house back? What’s so doesn’t care if you’re upset; it’s up to you how you handle what’s so. There is no confusion in what’s so. When you don’t know you just don’t know – there is no confusion there. There’s nothing right or wrong about what’s so. What’s so is always open to different interpretations. There’s always just what’s so, and then you have an interpretation. What scares you isn’t what’s so, it’s your interpretation. The interpretation is never true; what’s so is real, the interpretation is not. Who you’re being is just who you’re being, and what’s so doesn’t care if you’re happy with it or not, so why should you? When you’re not being with what’s so, that’s also just what’s so. Why should you concern yourself? Other people should always be the way they’re being; if you think they shouldn’t, that’s your interpretation. Bring yourself back to what’s so about them. Until you can be with what’s so, you can’t be with anything or anyone. You may have control over other people’s what’s so, but none over their interpretation – give it up.

If you take action or not, it’s still just what’s so. If it works out well or not, it’s still just what’s so. You can never make a right or wrong decision, or take a right or wrong action. Whatever you do will always bring you more of what’s so, and then you have an interpretation about it. Whatever you don’t have, so what? Whatever you’ve done or thought in the past, again so what? Whatever happens in the future is not to be feared. It’s just going to be more of what’s so. The challenge is to spend as much time in what’s so as you can. The chatter in your head is more interpretation, and it has nothing to do with what’s so. There’s nothing wrong with the chatter, it’s just you listening to a fantasy. The thought that there is something wrong is an illusion; there is nothing wrong, there is only what’s so. Notice when you’re comparing what’s so to some fantasy of how it should be. Bring yourself back to what’s so and it will be O.K. Ask yourself what’s so, and align with that. Align with what’s so and it will not matter. That is the foundation of transformation and satisfaction. Not aligning with what’s so is the only thing that will ever bring you hardship or suffering. Life in what’s so will bring you harmony, grace, and balance. Ask yourself – what’s so about your situation?

In having trained and developed champions in swimming, water polo, fitness and business over the last 30+ years, I have noticed that there are four distinct levels of coachability. No one is born being coachable – it is a learned process. And, it requires a partnership with a committed coach. Here are the four levels:

1. Not coachable. These people listen to one voice and one voice only…their own little voice. They are simply not open or receptive to coaching from someone else. They already know everything they need to know. And, you know who these people are.

2. Selectively coachable. These people do what the coach asks them to do…when they agree with it! The rest of the time they’re listening to their own little voice.
3. Reluctantly coachable. This is fairly rare. These people do everything the coach asks them to do, whether they agree with it or not. However, their little voice is often the voice of doubt – “I don’t know if I can do this,” “I don’t know if this will work,” “I don’t know if he knows what he’s talking about,” “I’ll try this for a couple of weeks and see how things go.”
4. Completely coachable. This is extremely rare. These people do everything the coach asks them to do, and surrender their little voice. They give up “knowing” and realize that their coach has their best interest at heart. They completely trust their coach, and empower their coach to win. When the coach wins, they win, too! This is the domain of champions, where people view themselves as extraordinary!

Leaders need to understand that most people, most of the time, are not coachable or selectively coachable at best. This is because they mostly listen to their own little voice most of the time. So, this is what you’re up against, and there’s nothing wrong – it’s just human nature. It will, however, require strong and effective leadership to guide people to becoming completely coachable. You, as the leader, will need to be more committed to those you lead than they are to themselves. You will need to choose to be extraordinary for yourself in order to lead people in becoming extraordinary. Remember, your people are merely a reflection of your leadership.

If you are interested in further developing your leadership, be sure to contact Coach Ruben at coachruben@coachruben.com

Following these steps constitutes a powerful apology – an apology that really works and makes a difference for not only the person you offended, but for you as well. Go ahead. Give it a try. It will take practice. But the rewards are great.

Ruben J Guzman, MPH 2009

Acceptance

This is where we accept others, just the way they are, with no judgment. This is the basis of powerful love, for anything else is operating from fear. Acceptance is unconditional respect. However, it does not necessarily mean we condone unacceptable behavior. Regardless of the behavior, we accept the person.

Apology

This goes far beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” Apology begins with saying “I’m sorry,” but then taking complete responsibility for the impact of your behaviors on others – the ripple effect. The next step in an apology is to communicate what you see is missing in both your mindset and your behaviors. Then you complete the apology with a promise and a total commitment to change. The practice of apology is therefore ongoing in fulfilling on your promises and commitments.

Forgiveness

This is where we take any emotional charge about a situation and put it in the past where it belongs – carrying no emotional charge from the past into the present or the future. To forgive, we must completely clean the slate. We recognize that whatever happened, happened. It is done, and it doesn’t have to shape the present moment or the future any longer. When we forgive others, we free ourselves.

Gratitude

This is where we practice being grateful for what we DO have, and we stop complaining about what we don’t have. What we appreciate, appreciates. What we put our attention on, expands. A great way to practice this is to declare five things that you are grateful for each day!

Acknowledgment

This is where we practice communicating to others what we are grateful for about them. We acknowledge their contribution to us and/or others, their actions, and their ways of being, eg. Being courageous, powerful, generous, etc. This expands the power of appreciation to others and is a generous gift. When we acknowledge others at every opportunity possible, we initiate a powerful flow of positive energy from us towards others that naturally flows back towards us in many different ways. This is an extraordinary act of generosity that pays huge dividends!

The paradoxical thing is that we SAY we are committed to being happy. Yet we continue to tolerate life and circumstances that are certainly NOT workable or optimum, and we continue to be unfulfilled, struggle and suffer. Dan Millman, who wrote The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, says "Life is not suffering. It's just that we will suffer as long as we hold on to our attachments, instead of letting go and just going for the ride."

We always win what we are truly committed to, even if we haven't declared what we are committed to. We need to consider that at a subconscious level, we are committed to struggling and suffering. In fact, we are attached to struggling and suffering. It's not a conscious act. No one in their right mind would do so. But we do it none the less.

Then what gets us past the struggle and suffering, and into the life we say we're committed to? One of my old teachers, Jim Rohn, said that what finally motivates us to create the life that we say we want is one of two things. Either it's an intense and powerful desire, or it's a intense and powerful amount of pain. Since most of us don't operate from desire, what usually has to happen is an intense amount of pain. This isn't fun at all, yet it's what generally happens for most of us unless we choose powerfully.

But to choose powerfully, one must be able to get to being at choice. This requires completing the past and getting to nothing. The practices of acceptance, apology, forgiveness, gratitude and acknowledgment are powerful in this regard. Once this work is completed, true choice becomes an option.

Choosing to be happy requires three things:

1. Powerfully accepting and dealing with what's so This means accepting circumstances and people just the way they are, right now. No hopes, projections, anticipation, or dreams. Just accepting the way things are is the way that they are. It may not be the way you want it to be. It may not be workable for you. It may not be fulfilling for you. It may be tolerable, but then it's fundamentally inauthentic. You don't get to be your true self. Breaking free of this requires being brutally honest with yourself and being in integrity with your higher self.
2. Being of service When you are being in integrity with your higher self, you are doing what you are meant to do. You follow the passion of your heart and your energy resonates at a higher vibration. You are fully alive. In this state, it becomes natural to be a contribution to others – you have more to share and can make a difference. Everyone in your life is contributed to by you being in integrity with your higher self, because you are being authentic. Even if some people don't get what they want from you, you are contributing to them because you are being real.
3. Engaging in ongoing growth and development Being true to yourself and being of service naturally lends to ongoing growth and development. This is the spiritual path of continuing to discover one's gifts and then finding ways to give them to the world. It is only by continuing to grow that we continue to give.

Ruben J Guzman, MPH 2009

• You see a problem.
• You state a complaint. “I don’t like this!”
• You see that you can take action to resolve the problem.
• You then take action.
• You resolve the problem.
• This has been a purposeful complaint.

Second type of complaint

• You see a problem.
• You see that you cannot take action to resolve it.
• You do see that there is someone who can resolve it.
• You effectively communicate and state your complaint to that person (powerful request).
• That person then takes action.
• The problem gets resolved.
• This has been a purposeful complaint.

Third type of complaint

• You see a problem.
• You do not care to take action to resolve the problem, nor do you care to communicate with the person who could responsibly resolve it.
• You state your complaint to anyone who will listen and agree with you.
• The problem does not get resolved.
• You continue to complain for the sake of complaining. (this means anything longer than 5 minutes)
• You are engaged in gossip, blaming, shaming and trying to impose guilt.
• This type of complaint has no purpose, whatsoever!
• In fact, this type of complaint is destructive.
• There is no room for this type of complaining in a high-performance organization, and must not be tolerated.

“The degree to which an organization reaches it fullest potential, is the degree to which it does not tolerate unworkability.”

-Ruben J Guzman, MPH

© 2008 Ruben J Guzman, MPH

What I accept about you is…

2. Forgive

I forgive you for…

3. Apologize

I am sorry for…
I take responsibility for the impact this caused for you
What I am taking on for myself as a result is…

4. Express Gratitude

I am grateful for…

5. Acknowledge (gratitude to another for their contribution to you)

I am grateful to you for…
I appreciate and thank you for…

6. Commitments

I am committed to…

7. Choices

I am choosing to…

It’s not bad or wrong to have an ordinary view of oneself. It’s just inherently limited. The ordinary is given by our wants, desires, judgments, assessments, expectations, attachments, obligations, opinions, cynicism, criticism, skepticism, resignation, blame, shame and guilt. It’s what we commonly find all around us – in the news, TV, talk shows… almost everywhere.

Inside the domain of the ordinary, “love” exists as conditional, filled with obligations, expectations and attachment. It is emotionally based. It is filled with “hopes” as well as fears.

The underlying motivational force inside the domain of the ordinary is fear. Fear is what compels us to take action in order to avoid pain, or at least what we think will cause pain or discomfort. There are five major fears that drive us. The fear of rejection – for we all want to belong. The fear of failure – for we all want to succeed. The fear of success – a subtle fear that can prevent us from succeeding because it might alienate us from others. The fear of the unknown – because we want to be sure we’ll succeed and be safe. The fear of being uncomfortable – we’d rather stay in the same place, even if it doesn’t work, simply because it’s familiar and comfortable, and taking a risk is not.

Inside this domain, everything is given by our past, and the past that we have misplaced in our future. Life becomes a repetition of the same. It may get marginally better for short periods of time. However, it is fundamentally a vicious circle. Selections are based on reasons and justifications, therefore making them decisions, not choices. There is no power. Usually, there is the experience of struggle or suffering.

Now that we can see the domain of the ordinary, it is possible to examine the domain of the extraordinary.

The domain of the extraordinary is given by honoring one’s word, promises, commitments and agreements. It is grounded in the principles of gratitude, fulfillment, wholeness, inner riches, commitment, love, trust, respect, contribution, resilience, faith, compassion, partnership, generosity, responsibility, and integrity. It is the domain of champions – the winners in all areas of life! And, it is rare.

Inside the domain of the extraordinary, “love” exists as a powerful practice of accepting others exactly the way they are, and granting them being for who they are. This powerful love has no sense of obligation, attachment, or expectation. This love is kind, respectful, accepting, compassionate, generous and truly unconditional. Instead of “hope”, this powerful love operates from accepting what’s so and powerfully dealing with the present moment – not “someday, maybe…”

The underlying motivational force in the domain of the extraordinary is powerful love, which is the opposite of fear. It emanates from a deep sense of gratitude for every situation, every person, and for oneself.

Inside the domain of the extraordinary, everything is given by the present moment, and the commitment to creating a future that lives inside the extraordinary. The constraints of the past are relocated back in the past where they belong, providing a freedom to create a new reality, a new future. It is bold! Selections are made freely, after consideration, and for no reason other than it’s your choice. There is power and freedom.

Three keys to creating this extraordinary life of freedom, joy, love and happiness:

1. Powerfully dealing with what’s so. Accepting the past as the past, living in the present, and consciously creating the future.
2. Being a contribution. Getting outside of oneself and making a difference for others.
3. Engaging in ongoing growth and development. We are either thriving and growing, or surviving and dying.

So, now the choice is yours. You are free to choose what type of life you want to live. You are free to choose how you view yourself and which domain you will operate in. You are always at choice. Choose wisely.

Ruben J Guzman, MPH

For us as human beings, we can potentially go through several “metamorphoses” in our lifetime. The process is just like that of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. Once our “time” has come where we begin to recognize that our lives need to radically change, we begin to separate ourselves so that we can create our “cocoon” – our safe haven. We may even have several of them. This is where we can allow ourselves to experience our “meltdowns” and get to “nothing.” We become essentially unrecognizable, even to ourselves. Once this happens, we can then begin to identify the image of what we wish to emerge as – a new life form – a complete transformation! We then begin the work of constructing ourselves consistently with this new image. But, we still need to emerge! And this is the struggle. If we stay focused and endure, then we can truly fly and endure as a new butterfly – a new life!

Ruben J Guzman, MPH 2008